Alana discovers what her journey with Messenger is all about.
ALL GOOD THINGS MUST COME TO AN END
Believe it or not, this is the last episode of MESSENGER. But don’t worry. The podcast will remain up and available, so you can catch up on any episodes you missed, re-listen to episodes, and share it with friends.
THIS ISN’T GOODBYE!
If you’d like to keep up with MESSENGER news and with Liz Keller Whitehurst’s future projects drop us a line at: messengerthenovel@gmail.com. This information will only be used for these updates.
A NOTE FROM LIZ KELLER WHITEHURST
Dear Reader/Listener:
Thank you so much for listening to MESSENGER! We hope MESSENGER has brought you comfort, hope, perspective, motivation and inspiration. May each of you receive the message you need most! Thank you for your supportive notes, messages and, most of all, for sharing MESSENGER with your friends.
MESSENGER: A NOVEL IN 16 EPISODES could not have happened without the creative collaboration of some very talented folks. Brandon O’Neill designed and created our artful logo, amazing podcast site and all of our outstanding social media posts on Facebook, Instagram and Twitter, often featuring evocative photos of NYC by Joy Whitehurst.
Wells Hanley’s joyful, original theme music for each character and his superior sound editing skills stitched this production together in an amazing, coherent way. And Lance Koehler’s recording acumen made Wells’ job so much easier and everything sound so good.
A very special thanks to Rachel Pater, our remarkable narrator, whose voice you heard each and every week and whose vocal virtuosity truly brought Messenger, Alana and all the other characters, to life. Rachel advised, consulted and collaborated with me on all aspects of this project from beginning to end and my gratitude to her knows no bounds.
Thank you and great job, everybody! To contact any of the above, you can find their contact information under Credits/Contacts.
Blessings!
Liz
Credits/Contacts
Find Us Online
Questions to Ponder
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Episode 16 Complete Text 📖
(Click here to access the PDF)
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IN THE ALLEY
Alana headed down Fifth Street towards First Avenue and approached the entrance to the alley. She hadn’t been back down there since the day they viewed Messenger’s ruined altar. That was another hint of what was coming. Another warning I ignored, she thought. She still regretted not taking a picture of it. She’d give anything to have it now.
She stood at the entrance, then decided to walk in and see if she still heard that strange buzzing. Sure enough, as soon as she stepped into the darkened alley, the same sound filled her ears, just like before. There was static in the air, an electrical charge she could feel. Above the buzzing, she was sure she heard faint footsteps, coming from farther down.
Her skin went cold. “Hello?” she called over the buzzing. “Who’s there?”
Should I run? All the nerves on the surface of Alana’s skin tingled as she strained to listen to what were now two sets of footsteps echoing in the alley from down the way. She froze, eyes widened, braced herself.
Messenger and Jackie walked around the corner! Messenger’s face shone in the darkened light of the alley and she held her arms out wide. “Alana!” she cried.
Alana’s heart leaped and she threw herself into Messenger’s embrace, felt her substance and weight hold her tight. Alana’s tears streamed as she sobbed into Messenger’s red cap, “Oh, Messenger. I’m so sorry I posted the website. It was all my fault. That monster Rickie found you through me.” Choking tears made it hard to get the words out. “I didn’t understand, didn’t know what he would do. I’m just so sorry about everything.”
Messenger gently pulled away and patted Alana’s shoulder. She dug in a pocket and handed her a brown paper napkin from Ed’s. “Oh, Honey. It’s okay. Forget about all that.” Messenger looked just like she always did. Multiple coats, red cap, face open and shining—like the attack had never happened. She waved her hand as if to brush away everything between them. “Everything’s okay now.”
“You’re all right?” Alana swabbed her eyes and blew her nose.
“Sure, Honey. See?” She stretched out her arms and turned all the way around. “Good as new.”
“But how did you get up and out of the hospital like that?”
“I helped her,” Jackie chimed in. “She couldn’t have done it without me. And Rob.”
Messenger chuckled. “Now that is the truth, Jackie.”
“Wait,” Alana said. “You two know Rob?”
“Uh huh. He’s our friend. The police were getting too nosy, so I had to get out of there quick, you see,” Messenger explained. “Jackie snuck in and she and Rob helped me.”
Alana studied Messenger’s face and body more carefully. She couldn’t see one bruise. No stitches. Her nose was straight and looked perfectly normal. Relief filled her entire body.
“I don’t have much time,” Messenger said, “but I’ve got some things to tell you before I go.”
Alana’s heart sank. “Go? Where? You can’t leave again! Please! I’ve been looking all over for you since you left the hospital! I’ve missed you so much!”
“I know and I’m sorry about that. But I have no choice. I’m not going to be a Messenger anymore.”
“What?”
“No. It’s decided. My time as Messenger is over.”
“No! You can’t quit. What about all the people who need messages? What about the Clinamen?”
“Don’t worry, Honey. You don’t think I’m the only Messenger? Oh, my no. I’m just one of many. We’re all over the place. Name a city—you’ll find Messengers there. But then, the real story is: we’re all messengers for each other. Everybody on this earth. Everyone can be a messenger for someone else. That’s the flow for you!”
Alana objected, “But not like you.”
Messenger smiled patiently. “No. We’re not there yet. But we’re heading in that direction. Then, the Clinamen will come. As soon as enough people know it, feel it, deep down in their bones and get moving. Speaking of moving, I’ve got some traveling to do.” Her face brightened even more. “I’ve got a daughter to find.”
Alana’s hand flew to her mouth. “What? You have a daughter?”
“I do. She’s grown now. Twenty-eight.”
“My age.”
“Uh-huh. I had to leave her with my mother. After the messages started coming, these people, the Watchers, found me and explained what was happening. They said I had to work to help create the Clinamen by delivering my messages. But I couldn’t do that and still live my old life. See, people like us have had to hide.”
When Messenger said, “us,” a chill ran up and down Alana’s spine. Who is “us”? she wondered.
“I’ve told you before how dangerous good news can be. We couldn’t risk bringing danger to our loved ones. We had to leave our families and our homes.”
“How old was your daughter when you left her?”
Suddenly Messenger looked older and sadder than Alana had ever seen. “She was just a baby. A toddler.”
Alana’s eyes widened. “How could you do that?”
Messenger dropped her head. “It was terrible. The hardest thing I ever did. But those are the rules for Messengers. You leave everything, strike out on your own.” Tears filled Messenger’s eyes. “Was it really necessary? Probably. To keep our loved ones safe from what happened to me in the park. But it was a big price to pay.”
“Too big.” Jackie shook her head.
“It was wrong. Now I’ve got to make it right.”
“Yes, you do!” Alana automatically agreed, then realized what she had just said. Her head swam with each new revelation. “This is a lot to take in. Who are these Watchers you’re talking about?” Alana asked.
“Well, Jackie is one of them.” She’s my main Watcher.”
Jackie stood up straighter and nodded.
Messenger continued. “And there are others, but I don’t know who they are. For my protection and theirs.”
“What do the Watchers do?”
“They help, protect and defend the Messengers, of course. They guard and watch for upcoming dangers. They warn you when trouble’s coming. Then step in when necessary, to help.”
“Well they sure did a lousy job with Messenger!” Alana blurted out.
“Listen, Girlie. We did our best, but Messenger is stubborn as a mule and you . . .”
Messenger touched Jackie’s arm and interrupted. “The Watchers did warn me. They did all they could. But I chose to ignore their warnings.”
“Why would you do that?” Alana asked.
“For the Clinamen. I want things to change.”
Alana pressed. “You allowed Rickie to attack you to bring about a Clinamen?”
“No,” Jackie snorted. “What she’s not saying is: she wanted to protect you after you posted that website like she told you not to. Every crazy, threatened, twitchy, violence-loving nut in the city would have come after you if she hadn’t come back and taken the heat.”
Tears flew into Alana’s eyes. Her stomach felt like Jackie had thrown a punch.
“Jackie!” Messenger put her arm around Alana. “Now, now. Don’t beat yourself up. It all worked out.”
“I’m so sorry, Messenger. I’m just so, so sorry. You’ve got to understand. I was desperate. I didn’t think you wanted to work with me anymore. I thought you were gone for good. And, I guess a part of me hoped it might somehow bring you back.”
“It brought her back, all right!”
“Jackie, please,” Messenger asked. “Let me finish explaining.”
Jackie crossed her arms and looked away.
“You should have trusted me, Alana. It was all timing, you see.” She patted Alana’s back.
“How?” Alana wiped her eyes.
“Energies were building. It always happens before a Clinamen. Action, reaction. This time, they were very negative energies. Destructive energies. It was only a matter of time. You just hurried things along.”
Alana’s eyes filled with tears. “I know. I’m so sorry.”
“It was the next step. Unplanned, of course, but the next step. Anyway. Everything is changed now. My work was important, but it’s time for me to find my daughter and make things right. Hopefully, if she can let herself love me, maybe she can forgive me. There’s no forgiveness without love. The love part has to come first.”
Alana’s tried to take in everything Messenger had said. “But where is she? Where are you going?”
“The Watchers have kept an eye on her, too. They tell me she’s in Virginia.”
“What? That’s where I’m from.”
Messenger nodded.
“What’s her name?”
“Bree.” Messenger said it like a prayer.
Raw panic rose up in Alana and spread throughout her body. She couldn’t lose Messenger again. “Let me go with you. I could help you find her.”
Messenger touched her shoulder, then massaged between her eyebrows. “No, Honey. This is for me to do. But, don’t you worry now. You won’t be alone. Jackie here,” she pointed to Jackie, who was studying her fingernails, “is going to stay with you. She’s going to help you finish what we started.”
“Finish what? Are you talking about finishing the book?”
“No. It’s much bigger than that. Anyway, it’ll all be clear soon. Until then, trust me. Wait. Work with Jackie.”
“Jackie? Are you kidding me?” Alana’s eyes widened in disbelief.
Jackie smiled her creepy, grimace smile.
Messenger laughed at both of them. “Yes, Jackie. You’re going to see another whole side of Jackie.”
“Listen.” Jackie interrupted. “I’m not exactly thrilled about it either, but . . .”
Messenger shook her head. “You two will do just fine together,” she told them.
“But why didn’t you tell me about the Watchers, and your daughter and all these secrets from the beginning? When I’d ask you?”
Messenger gazed lovingly into Alana’s face. “As I’ve said so many times, Honey, timing is everything. Before, you wouldn’t have believed me. You had to learn it for yourself. You had to research. Conduct your own investigation. Then you had to begin to experience it yourself. Experience is the best teacher. You’re ready now. Even though you don’t know it, you are.”
“Ready for what?” The panic thickened. Her heart thundered in her chest and she swore the buzzing was getting louder.
“Oh, you’ll see. And don’t worry. You won’t have to do it all alone. You’ll have Jackie but you’re going to have Ed, too. You two will work great together.”
“How? What do you mean? Will Ed help me get the word out about the messages and how they’re helping people?”
Alana could tell by the smirk on Jackie’s face that she was enjoying Alana’s confusion. “Sort of,” Jackie teased.
Alana turned to Jackie, then Messenger. “Why won’t you two just give me straight answers, for once?”
Jackie and Messenger laughed so hard it echoed through the alley. “In time, I promise you, Jackie will answer all your questions. But you’ve got a job to do now.”
“What are you talking about?” Alana could hardly force the words out, her jaw felt locked, it chattered so much.
“That’s all I can say for now. Honey, I’m sorry, but I’ve got a train to catch.”
Alana dug in her heels. Messenger really was leaving. For good. “But what if I can’t do this job you’re talking about? Or don’t want to?”
Messenger smiled patiently. “Nobody’s going to make you. You have to choose it. But let me warn you. Even after all I’ve been through, I still know this is true.” Her eyes seared Alana. “You’ve got to bring forth what’s inside you. Everybody does. That’s the way you’ve got to go. Because if you don’t, it will destroy you.” Her voice rang out strong. “Remember this when the going gets rough.”
Alana had a million questions but all she said was, “Don’t leave me.” The tears she’d controlled returned in full force. The shivering started.
Messenger put her arm around Alana and turned to Jackie. “Will you give us a minute?”
“Sure!” She didn’t move.
“Alone,” Messenger added.
“Oh, okay. I get it. But you know you’ve got to go soon.” Jackie clicked down the alley away from them.
Messenger turned back to Alana. “Oh, Honey. You’re going to be just fine.”
“No, I won’t,” Alana muttered. “Can I contact you?” she asked, even though she knew the answer.
“No, but don’t worry. I’ll be in touch. And I’ll be back. Helping in a new way, that’s all. You’ll see me. Just not all the time, like before.” Messenger reached up and placed her hands onto Alana’s shoulders. She touched her cheeks, held her eyes in one long loving gaze.
Immediately, Alana’s shaking stopped.
“I have to go now, Honey. We don’t know when or how the Clinamen’s coming. We just keep doing what we can. But, know this. You’re ready. You’ve got everything you need. Like I said, we’re all messengers for each other. Look for it in every face you meet. Every single one of us is important in the scheme of things. Trust it. In every joy. Or in every trouble. When you say, “Sorry for your trouble,” you mean it more than you know. They are your troubles, too. Yes! And the Wise Ones will help you. They’re always available. There are worlds you don’t even know about—but you will. All working together, moving us forward towards the Clinamen. Believe in the power of love. It’s for us and it’ll work with us. It’s the thing everybody wants because it’s the only thing that’s real.”
The buzzing had grown so loud Alana wanted to cover her ears. “Messenger! What is that buzzing?”
“The energy of the earth. Calling to us. I’m so glad you can hear it.”
“Yes! I heard it both times we were in here before.” Alana looked down. “I just didn’t tell you.”
“I know,” she said. “That’s okay. “
“It wasn’t this loud before. What does it mean? Is something about to happen?”
Messenger gently wiped the tears from Alana’s cheeks with a brown napkin. “Yes, Honey,” she said so quietly, Alana could hardly hear. “Yes, it is.”
ALANA AND ED’S CLINAMEN
Alana burst into the coffee shop. “Ed, I saw Messenger! She’s fine! I don’t know how, but she’s just fine!”
Ed looked over with sad eyes. Had he been crying? “I know. She stopped by here on her way to find you.”
“Ed, are you okay?”
“Yeah, sure.” He bit his lips. “Where did you see her?”
“I just happened to walk down the alley on Fifth Street and met Messenger and Jackie coming from the other direction. They seemed to know I’d be there, somehow. Lots of what they said didn’t make sense and, of course, they wouldn’t answer most of my questions. But Messenger told me she was leaving to find her daughter. I get that.” Alana remembered the many hundreds of times she’d pictured just such a reunion with her own father.
“Did you know she had a daughter?” Ed asked.
“No! Did you?”
Ed shook his head.
“She also told me she wasn’t going to be a Messenger anymore.”
“Oh, wow.”
“Yeah, but she wouldn’t say why. She did explain that Messengers used to have to leave their homes and families. That’s why she left her daughter. But she thinks that rule is wrong and wants to change things. There are Watchers, who help and protect the Messengers. Jackie’s one of them. She’s Messenger’s main one. But there are other Watchers all around.” Alana paused, deciding how much more to tell him. “She also mentioned that there’s this job I’m going to have to do. It has nothing to do with the book. What she told me really didn’t make sense. It’s almost too crazy to be believed.”
Ed smiled. “Try me.”
“I think Messenger was hinting . . .” Alana paused, thinking. “No, I’m not ready to say it out loud. I’m just figuring it out myself.”
Ed stopped her. “It’s okay. Take all the time you need.”
Alana studied Ed’s open face. He looked like a different person. She forged ahead. “Whatever this job is, she told me you would help me.”
“I know,” he said. “I promised her I would.”
Her eyes widened. “What else do you know about it? Tell me!”
“Messenger only said that you’d need my help. That we had a future, I guess you’d say, a job to do together, too.”
“I know you’ve kept things from me in the past. If you know more than you’re saying . . .”
Ed held up his hands. “That’s all she said but let me tell you what I do know. Messenger loved you. Even though I think you drove her crazy sometimes, with all your questions!”
They laughed.
“Alana, whatever is going on, we know that Messenger’s intentions, her plans, are good. I bet everything will fall into place. And when you do figure it out, whatever you need, whatever it takes, I’ll help you.”
“Thank you.” Alana shook her head and laughed. “Are we both crazy?”
Ed smiled. “Probably.” He sighed. “I just have to figure out how I’m going to make it without her.”
“I know!”
“No. It’s more than that.”
Alana wrinkled her forehead.
“Remember I told you how she checked on me every day to see if I’d taken a drink?”
“Oh, I get it. Yeah. But like you said before, she’ll still know. She’ll still care. Anyway, I can do that for you!”
Ed looked up. “Really? Thanks.” He came out from behind the bar and stood beside her.
At that moment, all the pieces fell into place. Everything that had happened from that first day Alana walked into Ed’s Starbucks, even before she’d met Messenger, until now. It happened in a split second, just like Messenger had said it would. A Clinamen. Before, Alana had been alone. Now, it was her and Ed. Together. Facing whatever was coming. She wasn’t alone anymore.
ON THE TRAIN
Messenger stared out the window of the Amtrak train headed south. Rain slashed the plated glass, then beaded up. She let herself jostle along in time with the beat of the car as it sped down the track. She smiled and sucked on the dark chocolate she’d just popped into her mouth, held the crumpled red foil in one hand. The message had told her, “Follow your dreams.”
Had she done her part to create the Clinamen? To make things better for those coming along behind her?
She hoped so, but it was too late now. She was finished. It was done. She’d done her duty and fulfilled all her promises. Love, so deep, was still alive inside her. She would find Bree if it was the last thing she ever did. Alana, with Jackie as teacher and Watcher and Ed by her side, was almost ready. They’d had to rush things, make do with the time they’d had. But all was well. A fresh start. A new way. She’d do just fine.
ALANA MAKES A DISCOVERY
That evening, Alana worked her dinner shift at Tale of the Whale, then headed back to Astoria. She got off the train, walked down the nasty steps from the elevated station, black with soot and dirty, the pigeons settled for the night, cooing in their filthy, rusted corners. When she passed the funeral home on the corner, she noticed signs of spring in the garden. In the streetlights she could see dashes of yellow-green dotted the dead stems and branches, the grass, and the pots lining the fence, even though it was still so cold.
Inside her apartment, Alana got a glass of water and settled at the small desk in her bedroom. She shook her head. She felt like she’d been riding roller coasters all day. Messenger returning. Then leaving again. Everything Messenger told Alana before she left. All the questions left behind. Knowing for sure that Messenger was really gone for good. Alana’s sense of connection to Ed (Ed!), to Messenger, to whatever this crazy experience meant, filled her. Not regular thoughts in her brain, but a dawning within her echoed through her body and landed between her heart and her gut. A calm feeling, she’d hardly ever known. Peace. That was it. Even though none of her problems had left her. Now, in this moment. Peace.
Alana noticed the ballerina, lying on her back on top of her desk. Alana picked her up, held her by her straight leg. She noticed the silver painted toe-shoes had mostly rubbed off. All the spokes on her tiara were broken. But she still held her left arm high in the air, her fingers stretched up to the sky. That hopeful gesture always made Alana’s heart lift, too.
Alana laid the ballerina down and picked up her drab-green backpack, unfastened the clasp. She pulled out trash, brown napkins, lots of Dove dark chocolates she didn’t know were there. She wished she’d given them all to Messenger. She fished out the old ball-point pen Messenger had given her. The feathers and the pennies. She’d meant to show them to Ed. She felt for her thick notebook, now almost completely full, where she’d jotted ideas, lists, notes, stream-of-consciousness hopes, fears, doubts, plans—anything that had come to mind since the beginning. She laid it down on the desk beside all her other mementos.
She held her backpack on her lap and hugged it to her. The nagging feeling that something was clearly there, from Messenger’s words, the dreams, the coincidences, her strange knowings, the license plate. The buzzing. How do you explain it? Connect all the dots? What Messenger had implied—Alana still couldn’t let herself go there because it was absolutely insane! No. Impossible. More than Alana could fathom or that Messenger would reveal. You are crazy, Alana, she told herself.
But when she lifted the backpack off her lap to put it down on the floor by her desk, she noticed something. Why is it still so heavy? she wondered. She felt around, then unzipped the inner back pocket, a section she never used. Inside, she discovered a black-and-white-marbled composition book, smudged and coffee-stained.
What’s this? Where did it come from? Suddenly, it dawned on her. The composition book she’d given Messenger so long ago! When did she put it in here? Alana wondered. She felt her fingers tingle. She opened the cardboard cover and flipped through its worn, grimy pages, full of writing—Messenger’s writing. Every single page was full. Alana flipped back to the beginning, to the words of the very first entry.
There, Alana read, Call me Messenger.
ALANA’S NOTEBOOK: IDEAS JOTTED WHILE READING MESSENGER’S COMPOSITION BOOK
FORGET ABOUT THE BOOK FOR NOW.
While writing Messenger’s story is important and something I will do, isn’t it more important to get the messages out? Start the sharing? Isn’t this technology at its best—a way to get good news to people all over the world at the same time? To form a community over time and space? It’s worth a try.
What if I expand my website, keep collecting messages and put them and the recipients’ stories online, so anybody, anywhere can read them? If Messenger’s right, and there are messengers at work in every city, every country, all over the world, they could also be added. Who knows how many messages there are altogether?
More people could be touched by reading the messages and the stories behind them—feel encouraged, feel braver, feel more love surrounding them, no matter what’s going on in their lives. It could work. ISN’T THAT THE CORE OF HER MESSAGES? THE UNIVERSE IS RUN BY LOVE? Messages from Messengers from all over world and their stories would prove it.
What have I learned about the truth? Or about myself? I clearly know I’m not special and it’s not about me or what other people think of me anymore. I can’t stop here because I have a job to do. I’m all in. What do I really know about Messenger? Why was she here? Why was she giving out messages to people? What bigger aim did she have? How will the Clinamen happen?
Mystery. It’s all mystery.
MESSENGER’S COMPOSITION BOOK: LAST ENTRY
MESSENGER’S GIFT TO ALANA
Awww. You’re such a wonderful girl. You still don’t get it all—but that’s okay. You’ll figure everything out when the time comes. Through experience—the best way to learn anything. At least everything that can be known. You’ll get your mojo back and start rolling with it.
HAH, HAH! Don’t you see? It’s been right under your nose the whole time. Now the gig is up! My work is complete, but yours is just about to begin.
What you don’t know is this—I left a gift in your backpack. In that big inner back pocket. I put it there when you went to the bathroom at Ed’s Starbucks the last time we walked together through the neighborhood. When you do find it, you’ll sit down and read it from cover to cover. IT’S THIS COMPOSITION BOOK YOU ASKED ME TO KEEP. Bet you thought I forgot about it.
And that’s when something else will happen. While you read it, you’ll sit down with your pen in hand and a nice fat pad of paper, waiting for inspiration, for structure, asking for a way to create something out of chaos, to make sense of your experiences. That’s what you’ll think you’re doing anyway.
You’ll feel your feet. The energy will fill you—like a buzz. You already know what it feels like. Just like the buzzing in the alley. The beat! Up from the floor and down from above into the top of your head. Words will fill you, swirl, dance. If you sit very still and let them, they’ll eventually form a pattern, then catch your attention. You’ll begin.
SURPRISE, HONEY!
Your first message will come.
© 2nd Star, LLC